Funnies

Kenny Rogers - The Gambler

On a warm summers evening,
on a train bound for nowhere
I met up with a gambler,
we were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns at staring
out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us and he began to speak
He said, son I've made a life,
out of reading people's faces
And knowing what the cards were,
by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin',
I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey,
I'll give you some advice

So I handed him my bottle,
and he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette
and asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet,
and his face lost all expression
Said, if you're gonna play the game, boy,
you gotta learn to play it right

( Chorus - )
You got to know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money,
when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin',
when the dealin's done

Every gambler knows the secret to surviving
is Knowing what to throw away
 and knowing what to keep
'Cos every hand's a winner
and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
is to die in your sleep
 
So when he finished speakin',
he turned back for the window
Crushed out the cigarette,
faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness,
the gambler he broke even
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep

Chorus Repeated

The Skye Girls Version! (written by Eilish, roZie, Meganish and edited by Meggie!)

On a warm summers evening,

Car bound for nowhere,

I Met up with the Skye girls,

They were all too drunk to speak,

So they took turns at staring,

At the fit lads out the window,

Boredom overtook them,

They decided to pull,

 

They said girls lets get pulling,
See who can pull the most,

And if they’re all mingers,

We don’t tell a soul,

So we stopped just outside kyle,

I could see they were all blazin

For a drink of yar vodka,

Ill give ya some advice,

 

So they handed me their bottle,

And I drank down their last swallow,

Then I bummed some cigarettes,
And asked them for a light,

And the night got deathly quiet,
I started getting blazin,

Said if you’re gona play the game girls,

You gotta learn to play it right…

 

 

(chorus - )

You gotta know when to pull em                                     

Know when to fuck em

Know when to run away

Know when to cum
You never count your pulls
Till you wake up in the morning

There’ll be no time for countin
Till the boozins done

 

 

Now every Skyegal Knows,

The secret to succession,

Is knowin when to keep em close

N knowin when to kick

Coz every lads a winner

N every lads a loser

N the best you can hope for
Is to pull when your drunk 

 

So when we finished pulling

We headed back for skye

Started getting sober

N so we drank some more

N somewhere in the game

The skyegals we broke even

And in our final pulls

We found some advice we would need

 

You gotta……

Random Jokes

See Anglea and Ben for baby jokes!

A man is speakin to his mate n he says 'I've got eh a bit of a problem...Everytime i lookin the mirror i get a hard on'
so his mate turns to him seriously n says 'no wonder you got a face like a cunt'

This women goes to the doctor n says 'i got a problem..everytime i open my legs my fanny starts singin 'is this the wat to amarillo' and doctor says 'i wouldnt worry about it..every cunts singin that these days'

Q-What does a playstation and micheal jackson have in common?
A-Kids turn them both on

Q-What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A-'What are you shakin for shes gona eat me'

Seven proofs Jesus was from Barra

1. He never got married. 

2. He never held a steady job. 

3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died 

4. His last request was a drink 

5. He hung around with the same lads all his life. 

6. He lived with his parents until he was 33. 

7. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, bless her, thought he was God

  Chat Up Line Replies (yeah I know they’re on Angela’s coz I gave them to her!)

Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you please stay there?

Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing!

 I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

-she called me to get my phone number.
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."  -she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-she tried to drown a fish.
-she thought a quarterback was a refund.
-she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
-she tripped over a cordless phone.
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
-she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
-she studied for a blood test.
-she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Sipping Vodka

 A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the old Father how he'd done. The old preist replied 'when I am worried about gettin nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass, if I start to get nervous I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the Father's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following not on the door -
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

      - There are 10 commandments, not 12.

       - There are 12 disciples, not 10.

       - Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

       - Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

       - We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

       - The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

       - David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

       - When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

       - We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

       - When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .....

       - The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

       - The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

       - Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Being an Islander

     You eat the wrapper as well as the black pudding      
     You go to church and the supermarket in a tractor and trailer
     You look for a partner in the livestock section of the Stornoway Gazette      
     You go down on your hands and knees to eat your food  
     You tie your trousers/skirt with binder twine 
     You tie your shoes with the same      
     You use 'Castrol GTX' to style your hair      
     The last time you washed your hair was for the Queen's Silver Jubilee  
     You buy your underwear from JD William's                                                                           
     You have a tin of 'Raid' on the kitchen table  
     You like 'Spam'
     Your sheepdog retches watching you eat
     Going to the toilet involves a walk outside   
     Your last meal was walking around your house ten minutes before you ate it    
     You clean your teeth with 'Jif'
     You use the 'Free Press' to cover holes in your wall  
     Less than half the cars round your crofthouse actually work  
     You send requests into the 'Durachdan' on BBC RnG more than once a week
     Your dog sits in the front of your van more often than your spouse    
     Blythswood refuse to take your cast off clothes
     You were in your local bar when your children were born
     You've deliberately hit a deer or sheep with your car 
     You've given a rat trap as a Christmas present
     You have been involved in a custody battle over your sheepdog
     You clean 'Massey Ferguson' parts in the bath 
     Your partner weighs more than your fridge     
     You wear your socks and pants inside out to make them last twice as long      
     You keep the council wheelie bin in your kitchen      
     You wash your wellies in the sink without someone yelling at you      
     You eat herring on a sandwich 
     You go to the local swimming pool when you need a wash
     You clean your fingernails with a stick
     You order your teeth from a catalogue 
     You've mistaken your auntie Murdina for a man 
     You've tried to drown a fish  
     Your bed sleeps more than one pet, as well as yourself
     There are no left overs when you eat a crab   
     You have pet names for each of your 150 sheep 
     You think Kenny MacIver is a celebrity
     You have two brothers called Angus    
     The same wellies have been in your family for five generations
     You vacuum your sheets instead of washing them
     The strongest smell in your house is 'Calor Gas'      
     Your kitchen continually smells of fish or boiled mutton     
     You get dressed up to go to Stornoway/Portree/Castlebay/Balivanaich   
     You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house
     You have ever eaten sheeps head broth 
     You grow a moustache so you look more like your mother
     You've ever had to siphon petrol from your tractor to put in the car  
     You don't own a lawnmower and have never used one 

Drinking-
Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:












1. Innovative; 
2. Preliminary; 
3. Proliferation; 
4. Cinnamon. 

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
1. Specificity; 
2. British Constitution; 
3. Passive-aggressive disorder. 

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:
 
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;
2. Nope, no more beer for me;
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type;
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Irish Joke

A couple of years ago, in a small village near Donnegal, Ireland, adultery was becoming quite a common sin during confessions to the priest. During a mass, the Fr Dougal announces “I am sick of hearing the word adultery during confession, the next time anybody commits adultery you shall say ‘forgive me father for I have fallen’” so for the next 2 or 3 years everyone in the village has been using this word. Sadly Fr Dougal dies, and they get a new priest, Fr Ted. The village had forgotton to tell the new father the name for adultery..so at the end of his first week in the pub he says to one of the locals ‘you really should get something done about that path, its terrible the amount of people that had fallen this week’ the man starts laughin hysterically at this and the priest says “I don’t know why you’re laughing, your wife fell three times last week”

A joke from Paddy 'Sid' Smith -

A man walks into the closet to speak to his wife while she is rummaging through her clothes and asks her what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake! Then it was off to a movie-the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye opened she replies, "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story? Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong!!

 

A little thing for the Hun fans-

Little Johnny was in his little school class when the teacher asked the

children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, mechanic.  Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and take it up the arse."  The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"  "No," said Johnny, "My father plays football for Rangers, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

Right this has to be one of the funniest things ive heard from barra...a lot of you wont find it funny if you dont know the place but its about the people who own the Hebridean Toffee (its actually tablet but hey its still good) n they wrote the first one n then the barra people fired back with an even better one!!

 

The Sceptic Isle

    We’ve always tried to figure out, what all this nonsense is about

    When rumours strive to ruin lives, when husbands stray away from wives

    When someone sends the papers news, about the scandal sex and booze

    That doesn’t only happen here, but someone thinks it does we fear

      

    The toffee factory has to fold, they’re deep in trouble so we’re told

    But who would sell a business ailing, or if the marketplace was failing

    If truth be known we’re doing great, and shifting stock at frightening rate     

    We are not over come with greed, the enterprise we do not bleed

 

    Some people seem to get delight, when other’s plans may not go right

Orthat their hopes and dreams may sink, or a marriage fall apart through

    drink   

    So sorry, folks but we’re doing well, our products we don’t have to sell

    The reason, well, they sell themselves, our products fly off the shelves

 

    ‘They’re in a sticky situation’ or ‘I hear they’re in a mess’

    well, it makes much better gossip, that the ‘sweet taste of success’

    we’ve worked damn hard through obstacles and plenty of resistance

    and all of this, it was achieved with a minimum of assistance

    

    Well we hate to disappoint you, but our plans are greater still

    As we strive to be successful, and we guess we always will

    And we are not going anywhere, we’re happiest right here

    And for your information, we would like to make this clear

      

    We’re actually good at selling, and we’ve got awards to show

    And we’ll proudly give the details out, to those who want to know

    If  it helps them make an offer, then we’ll gladly do our best

    But speculative comments do not help us in our quest

    

    Sell a business when its up, not down, it really does make sense

Tothink upon it otherwise, you’d need to be quite dense

    As no-one in their right mind would consider it a sale

    If debt and loss is their legacy, then they’re surely bound to fail.

 

      The Barra Melting Pot

 

It’s hard to understand the motivation of a few

Who’s conscience is unconscious when they do the things they do

And who can know what’s in the minds of those who feel aggrieved

Keen to reach conclusions that they surely cant believe

 

Idle chat and gossip is just fodder for the soul

Of water-bound communities its helps ward off the cold!

But to vilify the island and to damn us, one and all!

Have you slowly lost your marbles, do you have no sense at all?

 

That single brush your wielding to apply your coat of bile

Borders on the libellous and not your normal style

To say their disappointment is the order of the day

At your intention to remain here is a shade beyond pale

 

And who was it resisting your attempts at doing well?

I know it wasn’t me so was it him or her do tell!

And your paranoia’s always showing when it comes to helping hands

It’s perfectly O.K. y’know, a government plan

 

To say our speculation is to undermine your dream

Of selling off your business is offensive to extreme

If everything’s as rosy as you lead to believe

And your books reflect your bragging, then you’ll have nought to fear it seems

 

Nope your vanity’s your burden and your self-proclaimed esteem

“We’ll show you how it’s done”, you crow the self-styled king and queen

It would be hard to make an impact on the streets of East Kilbride

Selling “Hebridean” toffee and a cuppa tea ‘ootside’

 

So find yourself a joiner, there are lots of them around

He’ll help you trim your pedestal closer to the ground

And stay or go its up to yo it matters not a jot

Almost ev’ryone is welcome in the Barra Melting Pot

 

P.S. and while you try to figure out

Whatever you should do

I suggest a slice of humble pie

On the Me‘n U.